


We're Not That Different, You and I

by PastelMess



Series: Songfics [5]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Depression, Emotional Problems, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 22:27:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8119909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastelMess/pseuds/PastelMess
Summary: Josh can't keep pretending he's the lesser of two evils when he knows it's all an act.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HaplessCurse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaplessCurse/gifts).



> Based off of Bastille's Two Evils.
> 
> Dedicated to my best friend. You are beautiful, and you are talented, and I love you more than anything in the world. Thank you for all the support you've given me over the years. I have no clue what I would do without you.

Sometimes the darkness consumed him.

When he pressed fingers to rough bruises, a pallet of dark blues and purples, all he could see was that thick, thick obsidian swallowing him whole. Up his arms, across his torso, into his brain.

When he looked into the mirror, all he saw was an act.

Neon green flashed 2:05 am. Rain pounded on his bedroom window, thunder crashed, and Josh’s rib cage rattled.

He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t pretend he was  _ good _ when he knew it was all an act. His insides were eating him alive, skin stretched over paper thin bones, and his hands shook so hard now that he got strange looks from people he interacted with.

_ Wrong. You’re wrong. Everything’s wrong. _

Lightning flashed, casting his shadow across the bedroom wall. All he saw was an act.

One foot after the other, blinded by darkness, spiraling into one, dark deep pit.

_ It’s all an act. _

The rain pounded harder. Josh climbed out of bed, slipped on shoes, pulled a hoodie over his sleepless face and thinning body.  _ Why don’t you take your shirt off anymore? What are you hiding? _

“I could kill,” he muttered to himself, leaning his head against the front door. Everything was on autopilot these days. “I could be evil if I wanted to. It’s not hard.”

_ You are evil. Look at yourself. _

“No. I’m good. I’m the lesser of two evils.” he scoffed, gently digging a fist into the door. And just like that, Josh took off out into the storm, letting himself blend in with the rest of the world. Humans were inclined to be evil by nature, he was good, he was good, he was g-

Down the street, past silent cars and loud, screaming lights,  _ make it stop make it stop please make it stop - _

When had so many voices terrorized his brain? When had he let such a heinous creature tear open his chest and stop his lungs? When had he let it  _ control  _ him?

_ You’re the happy one. People don’t worry about you. You aren’t needed. If you aren’t careful you’ll lose him. You’ve probably already lost him. He’s disgusted by you. _

Knees hit pavement in the middle of the street. Water soaked through his pajamas, through his hoodie, stuck to his colourful skin. Maybe they were right. Maybe everyone was right.

_ Give in. Stop tricking yourself. You don’t deserve him. It’s all a game, win or lose, and he’s already rolled his dice and won. It’s all an act. _

“It’s NOT!!!” Josh screamed, screamed as hard as he could into the darkness of the night with its rain blaring in his ears and the lights burning in his eyes and all he could feel was the cold seeping in through the pores of his skin.

_ Stop fighting. We’re not that different, you and I. _

He screamed again, shoved hands over his ears and cried himself dry. Josh couldn’t remember the last time he had cried this hard. He was the happy one, the one with no problems, the one that was there to bring the others up. He  _ was _ the lesser of two evils, he was good, he was good, good, good.

Hands grabbed ahold of his shoulders, pushed the hood off his head and felt around his face, across his cheeks and jawline and lips. They moved wet curly hair back, wiped away rain water and tears before pulling him into a hug.

“I’m right here,” Tyler whispered as Josh sobbed into his shoulder. “I’m here, I’m here.”

“I don’t know who I am.”

“Hey, look at me.” he pushed Josh off of him just enough to meet his eyes, and eye contact was lost almost immediately.  _ You don’t deserve him. _ “You’re Josh. You play drums. You like cats and aliens and burritos. You dye your hair all kinds of wacky colours. You give the best hugs and the best kisses, and when we’re alone together you say the sweetest things. You make me happy.”

“It’s all an act. I’m not, I can’t deal with it anymore.”

“We get you help then. I love you Josh, I love you more than anything in the world, and the fact I didn’t know how  _ broken _ you felt breaks me. You don’t have to be happy all the time. It’s okay to be sad. We all get sad. We’re human.”

“No, I’m supposed to be the happy one, I’m the good one, I’m the healthy one, I’m the quiet one... but I’m not. I’m the evil one. I’m not healthy. I haven’t eaten properly in months and I... I’m struggling. I’m struggling with everything.”

“You’re  _ human. _ We all need help to live life once in awhile. We get you help, okay? You have so many people that love you. We can help make you whole again.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“Josh, you will  _ never _ lose me.” Tyler looked at him with so much hope in his eyes it churned his insides. Sometimes he forgot just how wise his friend was, that Tyler had battled demons for years and years and had turned out okay. He got help, he stitched himself back together -

Josh kissed him. Just pressed forward in the pouring rain and slid his calloused palms across sticking raindrops at the back of Tyler’s neck and sobbed because he was alive, because he didn’t have to be good all the time, because suddenly the lights weren’t as loud and the rain was soft and warm and the darkness seemed just a tad bit brighter.

“Listen to me,” Tyler murmured, Josh’s cheeks tucked gently in between his palms, “You are a good man, okay? You won’t let the other side win, because you are strong, and you are kind, and you are loving to everyone around you. You’re selfless Josh, you put so many people in front of you that you don’t stop to think about your own health. Please don’t let your soul deteriorate. You’re different than the version you see yourself as. I love you, and I will never leave your side, understand?”

He sniffed. “Yeah.”

“Now let’s get you back inside. I’ll make you some hot chocolate and we can watch a movie, okay?”

“Yeah.”

As they walked hand in hand back to their apartment, the voice at the back of his head was still there, lurking, nagging, that he would  _ never be  _ the lesser of two evils.

Tomorrow, they would spend time together looking for a therapist that would help the broken man everyone always assumed was  _ happy. _ Tomorrow, Josh would still look at himself in the bathroom mirror at the shadow of stubble he hadn’t bothered with in days and his red eyes and hear that voice tell him  _ it’s all an act. _

But someday, he would  _ know _ he was good.


End file.
